Today I started reading a new book called Desperate: Hope for the Mom who Needs to Breathe, and I must say that just in the first chapter I am already being touched deep in my heart. You see being a mom is something that I have DREAMED of my whole life and having finally achieved that goal I am finding that it is so much harder than I ever could of dreamed it would be.

Do get me wrong it is so Rewarding and brings Great Joy to my life but at the same time it has also brought insecurities that I am failing at this absolutely AMAZING JOB that The Lord Chose me for. I am no longer responsible for just ME, I am now responsible for molding and growing a little life that is looking to me for direction. In all honesty I barely know what direction my life is supposed to be headed in and now I have another life to help lead in the right direction. 

I have realized that I am really good at putting on a smile and pretending that all is well in my world, and for the most part it truly is. However, with the one thing that I should feel the most secure about, I am not. 

In this book there is a series of lines that reads as follows: " Each of us has a story, but God, who originated the design of motherhood, is the expert advisor to whom we should turn. God has equipped us for every good work, and I am confident that He who designed this role to be so eternally significant is the one who is ready to help, support, instruct, and guide. He will provide all we need for the task he has given us to fulfill. But to hear from God we must become women of the Word and women who pray, so that His voice may lead us as we grow into this role with grace."
I have made that last part bigger because that is the part that hit me like a ton of bricks when I read it. IF I am not in the word and I am not praying then how can I expect this role that God has placed me in to be filled with the passion that it is meant to have.

In the past few months I have faced more heartache and uncertainty than I feel I have ever faced in my life. You see in January my husband and I lost our second child, I was twelve weeks but our baby had stopped growing at six weeks. There was nothing I did that caused it and I know that because we were able to have a biopsy done on our baby, but during all of this I have lost a little bit of my faith and I am in desperate need of getting that back. I know that this has happened to more than just me and I am aware that everyone handles things differently, but for me I hit a downward spiral into despair. 

Daily I am reminded that I no longer have the JOY of wrapping my arms around my belly and delighting in the soon coming of our baby, and that hurts more than some will ever know. I say all of this to say that I have not been in a place to allow myself to fully rely on God, to trust him to give me the support and guidance that I am so desperately in need of. I grew up in church my whole life and I know that he can and will take care of me,  I have even said to others during sorrowful times that everything happens for a reason and yet now that my time of sorrow has come those words cut through me like ice and I DEMAND TO KNOW THE REASON. However, I may not learn that reason until I meet him in heaven and I so desperately long to spend eternity in heaven and meet my precious baby and hold him in my arms as I do his sister and tell him that I love him, but in order to do that I have to get back to a place of yearning for the Lord. To hunger for his touch and his closeness. 

I am looking forward to the harsh reality that I am about to face as I read this book. That my life isn't perfect and that is okay, that being a mom isn't about having everything done and that little messes are okay. But most importantly that God created me to be a mother and he is to only one that can give me the Strength that I need to be GREAT at being a mom.  So from this moment on I am going to Trust in the God who created me and throw myself in the word and be diligent in my prayers so that I can leave the Legacy that I was made for.

And when I start to feel weary I will fall back on this scripture:

 " Come to Me, all who are weary and heavyladen and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

1 comment

Jason and Jenna Jones said...

One of these days we will hold our babies again. In the meantime I pray JOY over you. You are so loved. :)

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